Today Is For Counting Blessings!

Dear Heavenly Father:

Lord, You have given me so much! I made a list of all the things and objectives I’ve waited on You for and prayed so hard for, and I made a list of my needs I’m still waiting on next to it. That list of blessings FAR outweighs my needs, and I knew it would, I just couldn’t hold it in my mind. I repent of ingratitude and worry-they have stolen the joy You tried to give me, and if You were flesh and blood and I could see Your face, I’d be so sorry to explain that I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful.
You have given me money to set myself up and I only/still have HALF left. In 3 days. Foolish! Careless! Giving to people and myself to celebrate without thinking enough of tomorrow and later. Lord, all I can say is that I’m sorry, and I WILL TRY HARDER, to remember my responsibilities. Thank You for Your Holy Spirit, to tell me to REMEMBER THE SADNESS OF NEED, AND BEING BROKE! or I wouldn’t even have that half left. Out of all that spending I still forgot a bill and a goal. Thank You for stopping me short! I’m lost without You! I paid my tithes-$120!!! I WAS SO HAPPY TO PAY THAT MUCH!!! Every time I remember that day I grin and get sad. But it is spent, yes? So no worries, or regrets. I just want to do better with my management and be a good steward.

AND YOU’RE GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE!!!!!

God, I could cry. In only 2 or 3 days, I will have enough set aside in advance-ADVANCE-while I stay at this shelter You let me go to, or sent me to, thank You for either one-so that I am twice as well ahead of anybody, or in the bracket of “got a little something something!” I DON’T HAVE TO FEEL WORTHLESS OR USELESS ANYMORE!! I won’t spend a cent-in Your honor, and to prove to You that I learned my lesson, I will ask the office to HOLD IT FOR ME in reserve, and not in temptation’s reach. Ha! I know me well enough. 2 days and I can BREATHE, knowing You’ve kept me and my babies from destitution again. You astound me.

God; Lord. You know my turmoil and my struggle, every day to find something wonderful about myself and this depression and fear that threaten to overwhelm me asks paralyze me. You think of me when I don’t think ANYTHING of myself. You are the only…Spirit? Creator? Being, I suppose that will fit, that has ever looked out for me. Even when I didn’t know HOW I felt about You. I resented You, hated You, questioned You, railed against You and tried You-You know better than I, even, the fury and bitterness and shame, and the pure filth I felt on myself and still have to beat back with a stick every day. But You still love me.

You drew me with loving-kindness, not demand and authority. With heavenly provision and patience. I THANK YOU right now, for everything I have, and I will believe You and trust You for the last missing piece of my job as if it is coming. In reality, it’s already here! I have come to this place with much, to this safe haven You sent me to! I believe You have a job for me-I just have to find it and walk into it! This is the season You are working things out for me in.

Please hold my hand, Lord, when I start panicking, and please, PLEASE, forgive me for losing sight of all You’ve done. I have repeatedly asked Your forgiveness, and I will continue to do so until it sinks into my tortured mind that YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF ME, IF I LET YOU. I need not do it myself-You are happy to!

I will continue to count my blessings, on paper and by this blog; I thank You every day, but when I do it aloud as I work the devil seems to snatch my words and train of thought out of the air, and my mind loses the rest. Thank You for putting this idea on my heart!

Forgive me of my sins and shortcomings, and thank You in advance for bringing me closer to You so that I can better hear and understand Your good and perfect Will-I CAN’T, by myself. I can only try, fail, and continue to try-it’s all I KNOW to do. I know I can always count on You to be there. You are my life-saver, Lord. I depend on You to keep me like a child.

I love You, I need You, I praise You and thank You for this break in the clouds.

In Jesus’s name,
Amen.