The True Meaning of Change

I’ve been a busy little bee, fluttering here and there-all right, FLYING here and there, I haven’t been feeling very graceful at all lately.

Truthfully I feel blind as a bat with a head full of scotch and clumsy as an elephant with a limp. I have so many things I am trying to accomplish, and I feel like I’m getting nowhere.

I gave meditation a try today-no, seriously, I installed an app on my phone called “Stop, Breathe, and Think” that came recommended by a fellow blogger.

During the meditation, I realized why I haven’t felt change in my outside circumstances: my inner being is still prisoner to turmoil, unsurety, and fear.

I realized that I can’t even BREATHE without tension. The more relaxed I try to be, the more I worry about how I’m doing. Am I doing this right? Why are my thoughts so negative? I asked myself. Am I ALWAYS this self-deprecating? Why am I so horrid to myself for doing something so simple as trying to better my outlook and seek help?

The answer was a few words. They honestly pissed me right off, too, because they are what I KEEP hearing, with no change in myself that I can see, as of yet.

You’re change-ING. Not changed. And you have to keep trying. Whether you’re doing it RIGHT is of no consequence, dear. You’re DOING it, dear.

I gritted and ground my teeth. And thanked God and the universe that I’m ALIVE to try. Ironically, my first attempt was at the Gratitude meditation exercise. I need all that I can remember, because I know for a fact that I have much to be grateful for. I have much, and there is only one thing I lack: a job.

So what is the meaning of change?

A difference from my usual way of doing things. A day where I can realize that I’m not the person I used to be. A way of simply saying “I will do something else, no matter how silly it seems because it’s so small.” A turn from the regular schedule I keep of unhappiness. Any change I make is important and to be noted and treasured, not compared to other’s circumstances. All the wishes I make will never change who I am or what I got dealt in life, but they can sure make me change something. And I AM changing.

A change is not sudden, even if I do it today. I have to give myself time to see the damned ripples in the water leading away from the first day I said “No more of this.”

I am changing. As long as God gives me another day, I am changing.

My Daughter Died Tonight

No sleep since 3:17 and I have to be up in an hour. Can’t help that though.

Saw myself in a car on a hill next to my old house, the one I just ran from. My great-great-grandmother’s house is there. Wolves or coyotes were hunting in the grass and up and down the road, and I was surprised…and uneasy. These things are wild, and not usually out in the open.

I got out. My father was beside me. Funny, I killed him a few nights ago. With a knife in his throat while he stalked me. I scanned the hill, not sure why I was out of the car when it was safer inside.

Then I saw lions.

HUGE lions. Males. And Jesus God, my daughter and sons backed up against a tree I remember. The lions were all laying down. My sons were edging back against my grandmother’s house and my daughter, my littlest child, was by herself. Out front.

My mind broke. I saw I couldn’t DREAM to reach her before the lions did. My father screamed at me to get her-he is old and fat, he will be no help.

I prayed that God would keep them still, MAKE THEM LEAVE HER ALONE, work a miracle for me and let me save her. But no. One tensed. And jumped on her.

Her screams sounded like fire alarms, car alarms, and tripped security systems. How her little body could scream that long and that loud God only knows. And still the lion tore at her. And still she screamed.

I ran. I reached and searched and scrabbled wildly, blindly for sticks, rocks…anything, ANYTHING. And in the horror of nightmares and the clarity of reality I knew with coldness that I would find nothing until it was too late.

My 7-and 8-year old sons were wild-eyed and their faces were bloody, they were crying and terrified, but they were okay. They were fine. I screamed at them to come to me.

I didn’t want to see my daughter. I just wanted to hold her, get her to me. I shrieked in answer to her shrieks and flew at the beasts mauling her. They ran.

I finally felt the tears as I stared over her at my boys, yelling at them to come to me quickly so that we could get in the car. That were still sobbing and frozen, looking at their little sister on the ground. My heart broke and I sobbed out loud.

I took my daughter in my arms. I knew I shouldn’t move her. But there were golden-tawny forms on the edges of my vision. Slinking, lurking forms that watched us for an opportunity. I would not be still. I would not leave her. My daughter was coming with me.

I cradled her dear, tiny, precious little body, only 6 years old! So small! So pitiful! I looked down at her face. To be so beautiful and lacerated. I wondered why it wasn’t worse as I stumbled numbly to the car, my sons clinging to me and looking everywhere at once.

I woke up in such terror I had to sit still and look at my daughter in the dark, resting peacefully across from me. I brought her to MY bed, where I need her. My middle son is with me too-he was having bad dreams himself, it appears. My oldest is still sleeping the sleep of the just and righteous right where he is.

I have seen my babies are all right, praise the Lord. Maybe now I can sleep a little.

Today Is For Counting Blessings!

Dear Heavenly Father:

Lord, You have given me so much! I made a list of all the things and objectives I’ve waited on You for and prayed so hard for, and I made a list of my needs I’m still waiting on next to it. That list of blessings FAR outweighs my needs, and I knew it would, I just couldn’t hold it in my mind. I repent of ingratitude and worry-they have stolen the joy You tried to give me, and if You were flesh and blood and I could see Your face, I’d be so sorry to explain that I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful.
You have given me money to set myself up and I only/still have HALF left. In 3 days. Foolish! Careless! Giving to people and myself to celebrate without thinking enough of tomorrow and later. Lord, all I can say is that I’m sorry, and I WILL TRY HARDER, to remember my responsibilities. Thank You for Your Holy Spirit, to tell me to REMEMBER THE SADNESS OF NEED, AND BEING BROKE! or I wouldn’t even have that half left. Out of all that spending I still forgot a bill and a goal. Thank You for stopping me short! I’m lost without You! I paid my tithes-$120!!! I WAS SO HAPPY TO PAY THAT MUCH!!! Every time I remember that day I grin and get sad. But it is spent, yes? So no worries, or regrets. I just want to do better with my management and be a good steward.

AND YOU’RE GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE!!!!!

God, I could cry. In only 2 or 3 days, I will have enough set aside in advance-ADVANCE-while I stay at this shelter You let me go to, or sent me to, thank You for either one-so that I am twice as well ahead of anybody, or in the bracket of “got a little something something!” I DON’T HAVE TO FEEL WORTHLESS OR USELESS ANYMORE!! I won’t spend a cent-in Your honor, and to prove to You that I learned my lesson, I will ask the office to HOLD IT FOR ME in reserve, and not in temptation’s reach. Ha! I know me well enough. 2 days and I can BREATHE, knowing You’ve kept me and my babies from destitution again. You astound me.

God; Lord. You know my turmoil and my struggle, every day to find something wonderful about myself and this depression and fear that threaten to overwhelm me asks paralyze me. You think of me when I don’t think ANYTHING of myself. You are the only…Spirit? Creator? Being, I suppose that will fit, that has ever looked out for me. Even when I didn’t know HOW I felt about You. I resented You, hated You, questioned You, railed against You and tried You-You know better than I, even, the fury and bitterness and shame, and the pure filth I felt on myself and still have to beat back with a stick every day. But You still love me.

You drew me with loving-kindness, not demand and authority. With heavenly provision and patience. I THANK YOU right now, for everything I have, and I will believe You and trust You for the last missing piece of my job as if it is coming. In reality, it’s already here! I have come to this place with much, to this safe haven You sent me to! I believe You have a job for me-I just have to find it and walk into it! This is the season You are working things out for me in.

Please hold my hand, Lord, when I start panicking, and please, PLEASE, forgive me for losing sight of all You’ve done. I have repeatedly asked Your forgiveness, and I will continue to do so until it sinks into my tortured mind that YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF ME, IF I LET YOU. I need not do it myself-You are happy to!

I will continue to count my blessings, on paper and by this blog; I thank You every day, but when I do it aloud as I work the devil seems to snatch my words and train of thought out of the air, and my mind loses the rest. Thank You for putting this idea on my heart!

Forgive me of my sins and shortcomings, and thank You in advance for bringing me closer to You so that I can better hear and understand Your good and perfect Will-I CAN’T, by myself. I can only try, fail, and continue to try-it’s all I KNOW to do. I know I can always count on You to be there. You are my life-saver, Lord. I depend on You to keep me like a child.

I love You, I need You, I praise You and thank You for this break in the clouds.

In Jesus’s name,
Amen.

I’m Saying No, Momma

originally by Laura Davis, published in The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse-new updated third edition
Paul calls from Miami. He says I should forgive you and let go. Not hold a grudge.
Dotsy sends a postcard from Idaho: your mom is worried about you.
Dad says that you called him, cross-continental, to ask if I’d had a nervous breakdown; seems there no other way you could explain my letter. After all, how could a daughter in her right mind say she didn’t want a relationship with her mother? How could your good little girl say no, not now, I’m not ready for you in my life?
I’ll tell you how, Momma, I’ll tell you how. Brick by careful brick, that’s how, Momma. I’ve built this wall between us with careful, conscious precision. It is thick, my wall. Thick and nontransparent. I stand behind it and you cannot reach me. Its walls are smooth, Momma, flattened by ancient anger; its walls are caked with memory, bound with pitch, thick, black, and alive.
I stand back, separate from you for the first time ever, and inspect my work. What is the nature of this space I’ve created? What are its dimensions? What are its depths? How far can I travel inside before I come back round full face to you? What does it mean to be estranged? To take space? To create distance? What does it mean to set a boundary? To say no?
I’m saying no, Momma. I decide I like my wall.
It is not a wall of denial, of stasis, of immobility. It is a wall that grants permission. Behind its firm thick boundaries, there is movement. I stretch. I reach. I remember. What was given. What was denied. What was never there to begin with. What was good and whole and right. The lies that were told.
For twenty-eight years, I never shared my pain with you. Only my successes, only how good life was, only the happy times. Never the sadness or fear or anger. I’ve been trying to make up for being different, Momma. Trying to win your love, your respect, your blessing. But I’m not trying now, Momma. I’m starting to let go.
You see, I’ve got this wall. They call it estrangement. I call it freedom. Behind its thick surface, I can feel and do and be, and I don’t have to show you anything. I know I’m not the daughter you wanted, Momma. I’ve always known that. But with my wall close around me, I can see you’re not the mother I wanted either, all-knowing, all-giving, all-protective. From behind my wall I can see things as they are, find my courage, and grieve for what’s been lost. From behind this wall, tall and smooth and straight, I can stop striving for what I’ll never have, and find room again for you in my heart.
And when I’m done, I can take it down, my wall. Brick by careful brick. So I can see you clear.
They call it estrangement. I call it loving.

More On Alter Identities From Abuse

The Protector – http://wp.me/p4YWtc-2pQ

Reblogged From Art by Robert Goldstein
Art by Rob Goldstein
“No one commits suicide on my watch.”
Protector alters save the original or other personalities from intolerable or life threatening environments and people.
A Protector can be any age and gender
The reason I’m female is that women had all the real power in my family.
The day I became a protector my Mother was beating us with a broom stick.
When she stopped I picked up the stick and hit her with it as hard as I could.
She was so shocked that she stopped using the stick on us.
Today I am still protecting the body.
Only now I protect it from us.
Why am I still needed?
In a survey of 5,877 people across the United States, it was found that people who had experienced physical or sexual assault at some point in their life also had a high likelihood of attempting to take their own life at some point:

Nearly 22% of people who had been raped had also attempted suicide at some point in their life.
Approximately 23% of people who had experienced a physical assault had also attempted suicide at some point in their life.
These rates of suicide attempts increased considerably among people who had experienced multiple incidents of sexual (42.9%) or physical assault (73.5%). They also found that a history of sexual molestation, physical abuse as a child, and neglect as a child were associated with high rates of suicide attempts (17.4% to 23.9%)
–
About HealthIf you’re feeling suicidal call your doctor, psychiatrist or dial 911.You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

278. Disobedience, Depression & Fear – http://wp.me/p1dASN-eb

Originally posted by John Smith
Jonah 1:5 NLT Fearing for their lives, the desperate sailors shouted to their gods for help and threw the cargo overboard to lighten the ship. But all this time Jonah was sound asleep down in the hold.
Jonah had been given an assignment by the Lord to warn the Ninevites that God was about to deal with their wickedness, but Jonah decided not to obey Him. Jonah knew the compassion and goodness of God and feared that God might show the people of Ninevah mercy if they repented of their evil ways. Jonah was harboring some resentments against the Ninevites for all the evil they had done to the Children of Israel in the past and didn’t want to see them saved, so he was running away from the call of God.
He arranged transport on a ship going in the opposite direction of where God was leading Him, and the journey got tough. Troubles come and the journey of life and following God isn’t always easy… but anytime you run away from the direction He is calling you, can count on one rough ride. A massive storm came, which was so bad that the experience sailors feared for their lives. But Jonah was sound asleep down in the hold. He was beyond fear and not in a positive way.
Jonah was depressed and in great personal anguish knowing that he was turning his back on the Lord he loved and the mission that God had sent him on. Sorrow makes you sleepy. There is a reason Peter, John and James couldn’t stay awake with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane… they were sorrowful (Luke 22:45). Jonah was in such a place of despair that when the horrible storm came against the ship, he didn’t even care. Everyone else was in terror, but Jonah didn’t even care whether he lived or died because his heart was so heavy from the grief of his stubbornness to follow God’s command. That is a very dangerous place to live.
Ultimately, Jonah repented, obeyed God, and a nation of people turned to God. However the journey to that place of obedience was filled with mental anguish, depression and put others in a place of fear. Our takeaway from this should be to simply obey God. Sometimes the things we are instructed to do don’t sound pleasant or we just don’t feel like doing, but God’s heart is always right. Follow Him. Walk with Him. Obey Him. This will help you avoid the anguish of Jonah and make the lives of others around you miserable. Jonah’s disobedience left him depressed and others in fear. His obedience set people free.

I Love You, Goodbye Now

Today I put a face to Svshak V’amantz. Part of me is sick with worry; what if my mother sees this? What if someone I know recognizes me?

But the majority is cheering me on. Cheering “Kill the shame! Kill the silence! Put a face so that those who GAVE you this hell you roast in CAN see it and see the pain they made you bear! Tell your story!”

My silence ends today officially. I will not be a question mark. I will not be an “I wonder what she looks like…” I will NOT be in league with those who did this to my life by hiding my face, and I WILL NOT cover them by protecting their sensitivity. I will heal. I will speak out. I will be KNOWN.

I smile knowingly, knowing that he is angry that I am gone now, getting help, getting better, getting stronger…

According to a definition in my book The Courage To Heal, estrangement means turning away in feeling, becoming distant or unfriendly; to remove from customary environment or associations; to arouse enmity or indifference when there had formerly been love, affection or friendliness. And wean means to detach affection from something long followed or desired; implies separation from something having a strong hold on one.

So this is the word for what I want, I thought when I saw this. Estrangement. The word SOUNDS the way I feel, cold and far away, disturbed by the thought of a relationship, when once the hope of a relationship with my parents sparkled and glittered like diamond dust on my skin. I have always loved my parents, and always will. But I have decided to become estranged.

I want distance. I want walls and bricks, boundaries, lines in the sand, separation by mountains and the sky. I want freedom. I want an identity free of them and their wishes. I want healing for myself now, more than I want to be tied to and approved by them. I can love them and say Goodbye, mum and dad. I loved you, but this is better. I hate you more than I can admit, so this is the best. Maybe one day I will matter to you as much as you mattered to me once. Maybe you won’t even matter anymore, but you know what? The thought isn’t so bad anymore. We shall become estranged.

This will take time to put into effect. But I will let time do it. It took 18 years to realize that love does not, CANNOT ignore a loved one’s suffering. That love will not sacrifice a dear one’s misery for one’s own wishes. That love means compromise and bleeding for and with another, through all the unhappiness they endure. And that love can still be felt-can be felt BETTER-at a distance.

Love has become a menace, destructive and corrosive now, where they are concerned. I smile bitterly as I feel the driving force behind my decision: a memory, 2 days fresh now, of the last words my father told me before I left for this shelter I stay in now: Behave yourself. Or you’ll end up turning tricks to make it again.

He pretended to care about everything I told him I’d been through while I was surviving, and threw it in my face when I left him and my mum, knowing he was the cause. I smile knowingly, knowing that he is angry that I am gone now, getting help, getting better, getting stronger, getting a clear mind and better resources that don’t include him, that CONDEMN him, that BLAME him. He blames my mum.

I smile sadly, knowing he did this himself and will never accept it because he’s a manipulator. And that I wanted to truly forgive him, but he ruined it. Not me.

But that’s fine. I know now that I have the right to ignore him and love my mother, but she MUST understand that my kids are to stay away from him, and that if she loves him so much and chooses him, then she loses them too.

I am almost sick to my stomach now-the anger and rage are back. But I will be okay. The day will come to confront. Or ignore. The choice is mine. The outcome is theirs.

Get Up and Go

http://wp.me/p1W2PR-6b
Originally posted by Reign of Faith

Get up and go to the place which God will reveal.
You can’t stay where you are for much longer.
You’re stagnated by fear. The fear of change but that with which you are familiar will send you, along with your gifts and purpose, to a premature grave.
Get up and go for in your act of obedience there is rest.
You’ve laid your peace on His altar hoping to please Him through sacrifice but He would rather get the glory out of you dwelling in the promise of a prosperous life.
Get up and go for you can’t win the race which has already been won because you’re still frozen at the starting line of where the race begun.
  
Now the LORD had said to Abram: “Get out of your country, From your family And from your father’s house, To a land that I will show you. I will make you a great nation; I will bless you And make your name great; And you shall be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, And I will curse him who curses you; And in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.” So Abram departed as the LORD had spoken to him… ‭‭Genesis‬ ‭12:1-4‬ ‭NKJV

Forgiveness: Not Just An Idea –

See the original post by Myriah Treaster
http://wp.me/p7mkIw-I

“It is in the pain of our oppression that our forgiveness of our oppressors has its greatest impact.”
-RedLetterChristians.org
                   
  A lot of people believe that to ‘forgive and forget’ is to pretend like the wrong done to them never happened. This phrase has been so misused, to the point of actually hindering relationships and reconciliation. The tone set by these words is: “It’s all okay. Everything is perfect; I’ll just get over it and move on with my life.” However, forgiveness doesn’t happen by pretending that our lives are perfect, and that no bad things have ever been done to us by other people. Rather, according to Miroslav Volf, “Forgiveness names the wrongdoing to let go of it. The thrust of forgiveness is the letting go of it. That’s why you need to name the wrongdoing.”
What if forgiveness isn’t about ‘forgiving and forgetting?’ Please, hear me out on this. You see, we can never truly erase a bad memory or bad experience out of our minds. We cannot selectively forget whatever we so choose. Many people attempt to block it out of their minds, in hopes that they’ll never have to deal with it again. However, the Bible never mentions the phrase ‘forgive and forget.’ And even though it may be implied, this phrase may not be exactly how we’ve interpreted it to be.
I absolutely love what Martin Luther King said about forgiveness. He said: “Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done, or putting a false label on the evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning. It is the lifting of a burden, or the cancelling of a debt.”
Miroslav Volf also said: “True forgiveness sees the wrongdoer as someone made in the image of God, loving them unconditionally, as God does.”
You see, unforgiveness puts up a large wall against the wrongdoer. Unforgiveness tears apart relationships so quickly. A wife may be upset about her husband not telling her how good she looks one day, and a year later, the wife could still be holding on to that thought, claiming that her husband never gives her words of encouragement. Another family’s dad could be spending long hours at his work in hopes to provide for his family. And yet, his wife could be at home with the kids, upset at the fact that her husband is never home, and how he doesn’t seem to care about the family as a whole. The wife may be believing that to the husband, work is more important than quality time with his family. Within a year’s lapse, the wife could still be holding on to that unforgiveness, and could feel completely abandoned by her husband and like love has evaporated, or faded away.
One of the dangers of attempting to forgive and forget is the result of conditional love. How? The person who has had wrong done to him or her can no longer trust the wrongdoer. They set up barriers, setting up how close to contact the wrongdoer can come. The person in unforgiveness, and yet who tries to forgive and forget, is a danger to the relationship as a whole. The bad event or wrongdoing may not be talked about again, completely avoided in every conversation with the wrongdoer, and planted as seed of bitterness in the one who has had wrong done to. That seed soon becomes a root, but it is a danger to everyone around. It’s the root of anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, and the root seeks revenge.
I’m not saying that whatever happened to you doesn’t matter. Whatever happened to you is a big deal to you, and it does matter. However, I’m saying that we cannot keep going on in our lives terrified that everyone else will hurt us. By living in bitterness, our relationships around us can be affected in very negative ways. I’m not saying that forgiveness is easy–I’m saying that it’s worth it and can turn bad relationships into good ones.
In Luke 23, Jesus is being tried before Pilate and Herod, yet found guilty by the large crowd of people. Releasing Barabbas, Jesus is sentenced to death on a cross. Beaten to near death, Jesus is tortured to the point where it was almost completely unbearable. Then, hanging on the cross, the very people that he came to save are mocking him, laughing at him, and are the very ones who commanded Jesus’ death to take place. Yet, in the very darkest moment, in verse 34, Jesus says, “Father, forgive them! For they know not what they are doing.”
Why would Jesus forgive the very people who helped to kill Him? Did Jesus not ‘get it?’ These people couldn’t care any less about Jesus. Why does He still care for them?
But Jesus is so amazing. He loves us in spite of us. Do you ever wonder about how we’ve sinned against Him, and He’s never had one seed or root of bitterness rise up. Jesus never set up a barrier against us, or withheld His perfect love from us. His love always shines through. He is so quick to forgive us! And we should be quick to forgive others. You see, true forgiveness is seen as Jesus was hanging on that cross, and how He hung, bled, and died for us.
Desmund Tutu said it well: “Forgiveness is not about forgetting; it’s actually about remembering–remembering and not using your right to hit back. It’s a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important, especially if you don’t want to repeat what happened.”
There’s so much freedom that comes with forgiveness. But how do you let the wrongdoing not bother you anymore? First and foremost, we need to realize how much we’ve been forgiven. Ask Holy Spirit to reveal that to you. And I strongly encourage that you watch “The Passion of the Christ.” Second, you need to state what has been done wrong to you. Tell God of your feelings about the situation, and ask Holy Spirit to help you forgive whatever person. Then, declare into the atmosphere that you are done holding offense towards whatever person. Give it to God, and bless the one who has done the wrongdoing. Pray for them. Ask for God to reveal His heart towards them. Speak life about that person. And finally, ask God to reveal His heart for that person, so that the next time you see them or talk to them, God can use you to express His love towards them. Despite of what’s been done wrong to you, God still loves the other person.
I must say, though, that you are the one who decides to let go. No one can make you. But I cannot tell you enough how beautiful forgiveness is. And please understand–this is coming from a person who grew up being physically and verbally abused by my parents. But God set me free, and He can set you free, too! I pray that this helps you!
Below, I’ve posted some other Bible passages about forgiveness. Make sure you check those out, as well!
*Matt 6:14-15, Col. 3:13, Eph. 4:31-32, Matt. 18:21-22, Matt. 5:23-24, Mark 11:25, and Prov. 10:12.

“Pulling Out The Root: Breaking the Cycle”

If anyone has been keeping current with my journey to stop the cycle of emotional abuse and incest with me and my children, I can honestly say that I am getting the help I know I need.

My abuser-my father-has had a relationship with me that HAD to be a molester’s dream: a daughter with a kind heart, willing to believe the best in anybody. Repeatedly, after multiple evidence to the contrary. I trusted him and my mom to keep my kids, under the grounds that he is never alone with them (God help me, I hoped so until this last year!) and he was truly sorry for the damage he has caused me. I sent them food to their house every month with my food stamps, thinking God would bless me for “turning the other cheek.” I sent them pictures, sent pictures on Facebook-and hated myself for a coward and a liar, knowing in my heart that if he died, I’d have to pretend to be numb, since my joy would be inappropriate.

I quit. I’m not even close to speculating how I’ll deal with him, but I DO know that he committed his crime again because he felt no repercussion and excused himself on the fact that everybody has secret demons and he’s just honest about his.

He just sent me a text-my father-wishing me well. I left his house yesterday, actually found that the women’s shelter here in my city had a vacancy through my pastor’s wise counsel, bless him! I moved in after almost backing out at the last minute.

I saw the women, the kitchen, the books and toys, the chore lists and daily progress goal sheets; furniture for group meetings, office, rule sheets and the security system. I saw my and my kids’ room, the washroom-and broke down at the playground. The place is fenced in, and I couldn’t imagine my children fenced in because I got to talking too much on a blog and dragging out old hurts and old misery, and looking at too many sad stories and reading too much “self-help” crap. NOW look what you’ve done, idiot! You put up with your bastard father 18 years and now you’re going to RUN and be checked in and patted down and live with a CURFEW? This is BETTER? My mind screamed. I thought of my kids’ faces, unhappy and condemning because they were being yanked up like carrots out of a vegetable garden AGAIN by crazy, unstable, sleepy, lazy Mama that didn’t feed them or give them snacks or buy them toys or take them in the car when she didn’t have one 3 or 4 times, not like Granny and Papa. And I couldn’t do it. I told the lady I would sign Departure papers, leaving then, before I committed us here when I had already caused so much instability to them.

Then I cried. I saw all the depression and misery and woe, bitterness, regret, and rage, the pills, the cigarettes, the sex, the prostitution, the tears and silence and fear, manipulation, lectures, and HELL I’ve been through. And then I thought of what I would be saying if I didn’t stay here, at this shelter, amongst help and therapy and opportunity and validation. What I’d reeeaaallly be saying.

That it wasn’t that bad, really. I hadn’t suffered, I was just making a big deal out of nothing. I was actually just fine, just acting like being molested 5 times again at 29 again after running away at 19 with a manipulator just like my father, just broke and near-used up by his own devils after being beaten daily by his own father was some huge SIN or CRIME, not like it didn’t happen to other people every day almost, who lived their lives just fine and didn’t pop pills and sleep all day and blame their mothers and fathers who fed them, clothed them, took them on trips, and spent time with them and bought them treats. They should be forgiven. I mean…

The same thing that made me crazy every day I waited for a way out and PRAYED for a way out was trying to stop me. If I could move out with the last jackass that dumped us off at that hell for a “love” that smelled like fish that’s sat in malt vinegar and the hot sun and marinated 3 weeks, I could DEFINITELY move us to a shelter and get my OWN DAMNED HELP. I’d TRIED it my kids’ way, my parents’ way, and God’s way-and my father was still a molester and a pervert! If my heart told me not to trust him, I should listen to it more, apparently.

So I’m here, 2 days now. I am happy, and getting counseling from a counselor and signing up for a therapy position as soon as possible (I’ll put that on my Goal List, lol). I haven’t answered my father’s text-it doesn’t deserve or REQUIRE an answer. His last words were to “Behave myself.” The snake! Poisonous pervert! Bastard! Fake phony! Who told HIM to Behave himself and keep his damned hands off me?!? Who was he to claim the right to father me when he drove me out of the house AGAIN? For the same reason? No more!

I want to thank the people on this blog who have helped me find courage and worth, and I will keep posted as I have time. I am tentative about finding a job, but I don’t believe that God will sentence me to live like trash for following His Word so closely as I could, through all my suffering, to forgive and honor my molester and his enabler. I forgave my dad enough to believe he could change, and getting abused again was all it got me. I WILL save my children-I will NOT repeat the cycle. I will not drink poison anymore while the sonofabitch that drove me to it by LOVE, my own father, says it was all my own idea and he had nothing to do with nothing, apparently, I was in trouble because I was following the “wrong crowd,” just being rebellious. Poisonous. Trifling scum.

It is not God’s Will that anyone be molested or abused by ANYONE, especially by family. See the Book of Leviticus. It has come up in my counseling and thoughts more and more often lately.

With God’s help and support, I am growing to understand that I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY PARENTS. I can love them from a distance. The way they “love” my little sister, rotting in jail because she tried to escape them. They’re no good to me, themselves, and DEFINITELY not my children; they abused their parental position to all of us, and we still honor them, my siblings and I. I will not allow it anymore. My goal is to cut him out of my life and especially my kids’ lives, for their safety and MENTAL stability. If God wants something different, He’ll have to show me. I’m willing and crazy enough to listen with an open mind and a trusting heart, anyway. Svshak v’amantz.